2013 was a very difficult year for me. So many losses, farewells, failures.... dreams lost or abandoned. My body was like a tree and God was the wind... a gusty wind... he moved me this way and that way... and sometimes it felt like Angels bumped heads with each other and their tears ran down my face to join with my own on an almost daily basis. I've described 2013 before as a storm or a roller coaster ride in my life... that it was. So many ups and oh so many downs.
If you have spoken with me recently or follow me on Facebook then you probably know that in the beginning of my most recent heartbreak, I figured that this was it. That this was the last time I'd look at a person with total trust, with an open heart, with complete faith. Since then I've basically lived as a hermit, withdrawing myself emotionally from most everything, including yoga, my books, family, friends, and society. I've discovered that this kind of life is very lonely though. It's not very fulfilling and in fact, can it really be called living? Have you experienced this before?
I've spent so much time experiencing sorrow this past year. I've gone through all the stages of grief: sadness, anger, denial, etc... Tears have been shed on an almost daily basis and then sometimes they stop when I get so angry that I close up and retreat back into my cave... desensitizing... and then they come right back out, as if they had been pooling there within me all along... just waiting for the dam to be lifted...
Until about five days ago.... and then the tears suddenly stopped and it wasn't completely due to anger or frustration... they just stopped. Things became clearer... or maybe I ran out of tears? I don't know, but I do know that tomorrow starts a new chapter in my life. I will venture forth out of my cave and into this world with a new outlook....
It's a wintery Friday today and I am eagerly waiting for my friend Jillian to visit me tomorrow. Her mission = to help me smile again...
Thus my new outlook. A new lesson learned in this roller coaster ride called my life.
I have recently been among the millions of people that decided not to be sensitive anymore. The people that have grown thick skins around themselves just to avoid being hurt by anybody. This comes with a great cost. Nobody can hurt us, but nobody can make us happy either.
So, I've contemplated this now for the past week and figured that when I start becoming open, both things become available: Sometimes it will be cloudy, and sometimes there will be sun. But if I remain closed off in my cave, then there is no cloud and there is no sun either. It is good to come out, to dance with the sun, and yes, sometimes to feel sad with the clouds too... and sometimes it will be very windy. But... When we come out of the cave, all things are possible, and one of the things is that people can hurt us... but that is only one of the things.
There are millions of possibilities; so if you've been here before, let's think of those things instead. If we do this then we will become happier; we will become moreloving. We will be more available, and other people will be more available to us. We will be able to laugh, we will be able to celebrate. There are a thousand and one possibilities. Why choose only one thing, that people may hurt us? I'd rather go on in this new chapter thinking that maybe they will make me smile again instead.
Love, Love, Love you my fellow yogis. ~ Ashley
Love is the essence of our life. I have written this blog with love, and I offer it to you, dear reader, with the hope that the suggestions offered here will become a vital part of your self-healing and continued well-being. ~ Ashley
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