Reflections

​"All of us, whether or not we are warriors, have a cubic centimeter of chance that pops out in front of our eyes from time to time.  The difference between the average person and a warrior is that the warrior is aware of this and stays alert, deliberately waiting, so that when the cubic centimeter of chance pops out, it is picked up." ~ Carlos Castaneda

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​It's been two months and two weeks since my Mom died in a car accident.  Since officially letting her go, I've boarded this roller coaster called LIFE & EMOTION and have ridden it stubbornly.  I wish I could say, "fearlessly", but that's not necessarily true.  

Sometimes in my life, when things get a little shaken up, I actually re-find my path again (dharmic path) that I might have strayed from previously.  Failure, change and trauma often does that for people.  It reawakens us to who we really are and to what we truly want, and it shakes us out of our complacency.  This has been my experience in life and I am often grateful for the events that lead to the "shaking up" of my life... as it is usually for the better.

And so I have been patiently waiting for the feeling of understanding that usually follows change and trauma in my life... Waiting for the : "***Ahhh... I see*** " moment.... The "this is why the universe did this! This is why the universe took both my Mom and my Grandma... my rocks and treasures from me... both at a young age... leaving me sort of alone and without parental guidance for the remainder of my life"... moment...

Obviously, my feeling of loss is still sensitive and at the surface, but I am ready and waiting; wanting and needing to know what this means. What's next!  Waiting... waiting.... waiting.... and then finally my waiting became doing...

This is what I've done: Over the past few evenings, before falling asleep, I stare up at my ceiling and I reflect on the day.  During this time of quiet reflection, I think about my behavior.  I think about my actions and feelings.  I think about what it all means and what I could have done differently.  I often find my mind wondering off to the future and past and the "what if's", but then I simply and gently guide it back to the now. To the present. And reflect some more.  At first, my days didn't change much... my mornings started the same and my evenings ended the same and my reflections were repetitive... but then, my behavior began to change, my reflections began to change... my view on life began to change.

During my most recent reflections I noticed many beautiful moments in my life that I "experienced" throughout the day that I maybe didn't appreciate as fully as was deserved.  Despite my pain or sadness, the world is beautiful and full of so much life. I could open my eyes and heart more.  This was a wonderful lesson learned.  I also realized that I could be kinder, gentler, more forgiving.  I could be calmer and face the world with more courage.  I also realized that deep down I want a significant inner/outer change and that sadly I have been blaming others for my current disgruntled inner state and that I instead need to take responsibility and actively change more of the inner me for the better, in order to have change occur on the outside too... this is a new topic for meditation and I intend on writing about this further upon more reflection, but first... more on the universe and the beauty of its grand design. 

Right before I fell asleep I had a knowing within me that this really had all happened for a reason.  Everything happens for a reason, and there are no accidents in life - I know you've heard that before.  But I've personally come to know that this breathtaking universe of ours is not only strikingly intelligent in its operation, it's also a very friendly place.  This world wants us to live great lives.  It wants us to be happy.  And it wants us to win.  

*sigh....  Still falling asleep... As my breathing became fuller and my heart expanded with joy and love, I realized that I am a worthy teacher of myself and that the lessons taught to me by my Mom and Grandma were not buried with them, but instead are actually blossoming within my heart and soul with each quiet moment spent in reflection and with each second that I take responsibility for my life... I smiled... and then slept and dreamed of them both.

A quiet voice inside (which first appeared to me this morning while staring at the sunlight play on my ceiling... I kind of love that ceiling now) informed me that something big was about to happen and that what I would experience over the coming days and weeks would not only revolutionize my life, it would affect the lives of many others as well.  It told me that my best was yet to come. 

My guess is that many of us fail to listen to this quiet yet wise voice within us.  There's a place deep inside every single one of our hearts that knows all the answers to our biggest questions.  Each of us knows our truth and what needs to be done to create extraordinary lives for ourselves.  Most of us have simply lost the connection to this natural source of pure wisdom because too much noise and clutter dominates our days.  But I've found that when I've made time for silence, stillness, and solitude, the voice of truth begins to speak.  And the more I've trusted its guidance, the richer my life has become. 

I'll be the first to tell you that, in many ways, I'm still just a beginner on this journey of self-discovery.  The top of one mountain is the bottom of the next for me, and my human exploration is a never-ending process.  Even now, as I write these words, I'm moving through yet another period of massive personal transformation and reassessing my most fundamental values, along with the way I view the world.  But I try to be gentle with myself.  I remind myself that I must be patient and not "push the river".  Each day brings greater clarity, more certainty, and new blessings.  And to me, that's what this beautiful unfolding of life is all about.